New Forever

I've decided to assume the following:

1.  My girlfriend is passionately in love with me.  She loves sharing my life with me, likes it when I share hers and together we have a lot of really fun and exciting projects.  She is not shy about telling me all the good stuff and she is sweet and understanding when she lets me know I've messed up.

2.  I make more than enough money doing all of the things I love to do. 

3.  I can fully relax and receive all the wealth, health, friends, fun and good food I want whenever I choose.

4.  Everything really is good (as compared to good in the "but, oh look how much it made me grow" kind of way) and so let's start from there.

5.  I am a luscious, yummy, inspiring, touchable, warm, joy to be around.

As far as I am concerned, my whole life experience feels as yummy as it feels when I am with my horses.

So says I!

Finding Love Quietly

Most of us are really good at giving.  Some of us are really good at receiving.   We all secretly think we are really pretty simple to be with and that everyone else is a lot of work.   We’ve all heard the “you have to love yourself first” and the “give up and it will come” crap of the self-help gurus.  And even though we know better, I can guarantee that there isn’t a soul on the face of this Earth who doesn’t believe that the romance played out on the big screen is impossible.   We all want it.  We all want in on that mysterious thing called love.

Here’s the secret- no it isn’t out there in the Universe waiting for you to learn how to ask for the cookie correctly (see my Barnyard Philosophy page for more on that):

If you really want to be loved, all you have to do is shut up about it. 

Seriously… stop yapping.  Quit the agonistic poetry.  Turn off the TV.  Put down the book.  Leave your poor lover alone.  Stop reciting affirmations.  No crying allowed.

Just SHUT UP!

 
Do this for a few days.

We'll talk about it then.

Passion

What is passion?

Bag that, what does passion feel like to you?

Most of my life, passion felt like yearning, desire, want, need, must have.  It was a craving in need of satisfaction, recognition, action, reception.  HUNGER.

This morning as I was happily working on one of the five novels I am writing, I realized that I've really got it all wrong.  Passion isn't about pursuing some holy grail (girl).  It has nothing to do with the feelings of falling in love.  Passion is about having what you really, really want RIGHT NOW so that you can roll in it at will.  To be passionate means that you come from a place of completeness not of emptiness. It is enough in search of more. 

Passion isn't about lack fulfilled.  Passion is only available in abundance.

Love what you have.  And then love it some more.

Calling it Quits

Sometimes enough is enough.  It is time to accept the facts, put on your walking boots and head on out the door.

After several months of struggling with myself and arguing with everyone about the value of staying with Denise, I have come to a final decision.

I'm staying.

Here's why:  because ending it and the fallout of ending it makes me feel like I am quitting on my Soul.  It would mean that everything I have believed in, worked for, suffered for and fought for was wrong.  I had a "feeling" about her, the farm, horses, writing, life etc. for as long as I can remember.  The feeling was "being right" and breaking up felt like "being wrong".

So why am I calling it Quits?

I have decided to QUIT doubting my Soul.

Hey, if I talk about "all is good" then maybe I ought to practice it a little bit more thoroughly.  If all is really good, then Denise must be too.

Personally I suspect my Soul is a little nuts, but then what do I know about souls? It was right about my horses and this land, maybe it is right about everything else.

My Soul whispers to me that if I spend time with my horses I will make money; if I spend my time writing and reading- not business building- then I will get clients; if I accept Denise with all her faults I will get the loving I crave.  It tells me to do the opposite of what makes sense, of what is practical and is contrary to all I know.

And guess what, suddenly my girlfriend is starting to look suspiciously like a girlfriend I've always wanted.

Here's my challenge for the week:  Quit.  Give it up.  Let it go.  Move on.  Drop it.  Let it Be.

What if everything in your life really were exactly as it should be?  What then would you have to worry about? And if you have nothing to worry about.... what will you do with all that time and energy?

In Praise of Co-Dependency

This post is for everyone who has ever been told that they are "co-dependent".

There is something about the way people use the word "co-dependent" that I find damaging in its innuendos.  It is as if they are saying, "yes, it is a shame but really she shouldn't have been walking in that neighborhood at that time of night" to someone who is having a hard time in a relationship. 

It has been applied to me recently as I struggle to come to terms with what are the side-effects of a rather difficult transition in my relationship. Things are changing and while we both feel it would be a waste to toss out what is so obviously a perfectly wonderful match, we seem to find it difficult to agree on what a relationship is or should be.  She feels like she needs more freedom and space, I feel I need more intimacy and commitment. My heart is still very into her, and her heart is in need of the self-love that comes with not having to be in relationship with anyone (it's called single). 

But, hell. We both really like each other and we just got ownership of the house and 100 acres.  We are finally in a position to build a life together and ironically, we aren't sure that we are the one's we ought to be building it with.  But we shall try, oh my, how we shall try!  We've agreed to go three weeks at a time and then see.

Anyhow, Co-dependency...

I've always felt that the term has come to be a way to demean and dis-empower people who are givers, feelers, and expressors.   I'd call it "woman style loving" only there are plenty of both genders who struggle with living in a world that honors takers, with-holders, and the numb and dumb.

If your lover has fallen out of love with you and has been behaving poorly (however you want to define it) then it is probable that you are hurt, upset, desperately trying to figure out what to do to change the situation, angry, confused, insecure and maybe a little WHACKED OUT!  They on the other hand are cool, calm and mostly irritated that you just can't get over it and let them move on. I mean really! They are fine, they just want you to be happy, they aren't worried about their future... what the hell is wrong with you? Maybe you are co-dependent!

And everyone will agree with them. There must be something wrong with you, and if that is so- then what the other person is doing is somehow forgiven.  It is your fault, after all, that you can't deal with life.

HELP IS ON ITS WAY!!!!

Here's the truth.  Co-dependency is a sign that you are in the presence of someone who is in denial or who is in an active state of addiction, crappy behavior, poor morals, shitty boundaries or who is a pain in the ass that is trying to get you to take the load off their back so they can carry one being the asshole with equanimity.
In other words, if you are behaving in a co-dependent (whacked out, obsessive, anxious, fearful, angry and crazy) then it is probably because you have been triggered into it.

Now here's the tough love part:  you are 100% responsible for dealing with your own co-dependent behaviors. 

You might have to leave the relationship, pitch a fit, toss the bottles in the garbage, be a damn bitch, or whatever it takes to get you away from the source of your co-dependent trigger.

You will have to rebuild your sanity, find the love within yourself, and most of all- GO BACK TO LIVING YOUR LIFE AS IF IT WERE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

It is crazy hard. It is painful hard. It requires a monumental effort of the will and the utmost devotion to your soul.

You need help.  I need help.  So, after years of being a snotty brat about 12 step (even though I use all of their principles in my coaching) I went to a meeting with an wonderful teacher named Julie.  I chose the Debtors Anonymous chapter because I like the idea of becoming solvent on all levels. I love that they have vision meetings and pressure relief groups and action steps. Oh it is just so coachy cool!

So the next time you hear the term co-dependent and someone is pointing at you I want you to say this to them:

"Yes you are right I am in a co-dependent reaction. Because no one knows a messed up person better than the co-dependent they need to take care of them.  And if you think I am co-dependent on you, then that must make you the messed up person I need to get the hell away from!"

And then I want you to run to the person in your life who will let you know the following:
1. Yes, you are crazy, but it is because you were in a crazy situation.
2. Crazy situations are out of control and there is nothing you can do to change it.
3. Repeat after me:
     "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
      Courage to change the things I can,
      And the wisdom to know the difference.
4.  Remember, you don't write the script. You only act in the play.  All you can do is go one second at a time.
5. What can you do to get back into your "I"?

You are worth it. You are beautiful. You are perfect. And the way that you love is glorious.

Be loved my friends... you are not alone.

Unconditional Love

These words irritate me.  

I’m not going to go into depth on why because I can’t think of a way to do that without dragging all that I am working on in my relationship into this blog.   I’d rather get into a hot tub with a candle lit and just soak into oblivion tonight.

All I have to say about unconditional love is that it is something that you GIVE not something that you demand to receive.

First Love = The Rest of Your Life

Last month I asked "how do you know when you are loved?"

I thought I knew the answer to this question.  But after six weeks of relationship struggles that threatened not only 15 years of partnership but also my capacity to farm my land and keep my horses, I discovered that I had no clue.

I only knew what I believed I needed to feel loved, cherished, desired, etc.   When those symbols of being loved were absent, I felt unloved.  But does a lack of specific contact, actions, words or gestures mean that I am not loved- or worse, that I am unlovable?

And yet, my partner feels she loves me even though I can feel and see evidence that her love for me is less or different from what I expect and demand from her in order to feel loved.


 Do you remember your first love?  What about the first book or movie that let you know that the feelings you were feeling about another was love?  What else was going on in your life at that time?

I ask these questions because my first love didn't go so well.  In fact, it went so badly that I seem to have committed myself to repeating it over and over in the twisted hope of getting it right.  The interesting thing about the timing of my first love is that I had just discovered a passion for writing, riding and playing sports. Not only did I ride to a Grand Championship at a series of horse shows in Oregon and Washington, but I had the joy of reading Jane Austen for the first time.  I was finally playing team sports (field hockey) and had had an amazing English teacher who encouraged my love for words.  I was 15, I was in love and Jane Austen was showing me how to get "real love" instead of the inconstant and shady kind I was seeing in my peers and with my divorced parents.

I'll save you the angst and simply summarize:  I went away to ride to glory on the circuit, wrote Austen-esque letters, and tasted the potential for a life worth living.  When I came home, the girl was with someone else.

I have a theory that there are key moments in our young lives at which we make rules or decisions about which we arrange our lives.

For example, my 15 year old self (and what 15 year old doesn't know everything?) took this situation and came up with the following rule:  I lost my first love because I went away and rode my horse and because my letters obviously didn't convey my feelings well enough.  Therefore I must never leave my love's side, riding horses led to this pain, and I really have to work harder at communicating.

Thirty years later, I find myself obsessing over my relationship to the detriment of my riding and writing career.  My life has been one long pursuit of studying human behavior, philosophy, spirituality, psychology, coaching, etc. because somewhere in all those fields I believed I would find the answer or a way to have done it differently.  Never mind that what I really wanted to do was to be a wildlife biologist/C.S. Lewis-type writer.   No, I had decided I was willing to do anything and give up everything so as to not feel that pain ever again.  I was going to find, get and keep my soul mate forever- or die trying. 

I actually believed that I lost the girl because I was doing what I loved.  And worse, I believed that doing what I loved would always lead to disappointment and pain.  Ever hear of self-fulfilling prophecies? If you haven't then you will find my picture next to the definition on Wikipedia.

I would like to rephrase my earlier question:

What do you expect being loved to feel and look like?

While you work on that, I am going to go out and do everything that I love.  If I am lucky, and I think I will be, my true love will be there by my side while I do it... or shall I say, because I am doing what I love.

Jane Austen still got it right- it's the girl who stands by her heart's truth that gets the right one.

New Life

Times have been hard for everyone. 

Sometimes when we are struggling with a personal conflict we forget that life isn’t just about ourselves.  Remembering that the world is much bigger can help pull one out of a big black funk.   

At the same time, giving yourself permission to work through these times of intense personal difficulties is very important. 

Over the last month or so I finally broke down and let myself fall apart.  I decided to stop being the strong willed, clear-sighted, optimistic, brave and patient Renee.  No this month I wanted to finally pop open all the flood gates and just say what needed to be said.

Things needed to change and for once the thing that was NOT going to change was me.

Things have changed.

And of course, so have I.

Denise and I have found a new way of working together- more separate and more at choice, my mom has moved to her new digs, and I have created what I call the 2-3-2.

Three days a week Denise and I focus on our relationship and on the farm.  She gets two days to be totally at choice, I get two days to be totally at choice.   For the first time in 15 years I know when Denise will be present and into us, she knows she will have time to herself, and most importantly I get 2 days off a week.   

It’s been 13 years since we started farming.  Over those years I was in charge of the farm and Denise was in charge of making money off farm to support it.   Somehow I ended up always holding down the farm no matter what.  Generally I would get maybe a few days off here and there, once every 2 or 3 years I’d get a few days off in a row but for the most part I was on all the time.  I never knew when I would get a break let alone spend time playing with Denise.   You know the story about prisoners of war not leaving their cells when they were finally released because they were too afraid that their freedom would be taken away from them as soon as they stepped out the gate?  That’s been me.

So the idea of having 2 days to build a life while Denise holds down the fort…. Oh manna from heaven!!

All because I decided to be Irene and let it all out. 

The moral of this post is that sometimes you can change your world and the people in it. Sometimes it means being a screaming maniac; sometimes it means being brutally honest; sometimes it means saying “either you change or you leave.”  More often than not it is a combination of all these things working in synchronicity with externals.

So if you are having a personal meltdown and your well-meaning friends or therapist say to you “you can’t make people change”, I want you to think about Hurricane Irene, or Katrina or those amazing thousands in Egypt and Libya.  

Stand your ground, speak your truth, take the risk, dig deep and INSIST!

And then, when you have recovered yourself, get creative. 

Because while it is true you can’t “make” anyone change, you can certainly provide them with the motivation to change.  Personally, I find discomfort much more motivating that any other source of inspiration.  Stick a tack in one shoe and a cushion in the other… which one gets your attention?

Where in your life do you need to take a stand?

And if you want someone to support you or help you come up with some options, give me a call. 

PITCH A FIT AND SET THE WORLD FREE!

Irene

A few weeks ago I was sobbing on a friend’s couch over the difficulties I was having in my relationship.  Fifteen years of stressful circumstances, the consequences of too many bad choices and stupid comments, and the disappointment of hopes had led to the feeling that I was going to have to break up with my love… oh, and the girl upon whom I had placed the burden of being the recipient of my love. 

This is no ordinary love… I mean I LOVE her.  My feelings for her come from as near a place as that heart space as I can possibly imagine.  I am helpless in the face of it.  I feel this way about my horses, the land, a sunset on the ocean, beautiful music, a well written sentences, good chocolate and breathing after holding my breath for too long.

Honestly, stopping loving her just can’t be done.

The problem is that she doesn’t necessarily feel this way about me anymore.  She Loves Me which is better than loving me but this isn’t anywhere near LOVING ME.  Can you say “ouch” my friends?  Been there?

My friend sat patiently as I snottily emoted and eloquently expressed my despair.  Then in her usual quiet and unobtrusive way she cut right to the core of it and said,

“I hear a lot of ‘we’ and ‘her’ when you talk.  I think you need to spend more time in the ‘I’”

I am always amazed at how a well placed cauterizing statement can dry up a really good cry.   

She was right… I was all about her and us.

Flash forward one week to the day of the worst hurricane to hit the East Coast in over a century.  Houses are floating down small roads in the Catskills, over 5 million people are without power, 15 die in Connecticut, small towns in Vermont are left stranded and hundreds of thousands of people are left with destroyed property, no flood insurance and Winter only 3 months away.

And what about Renee?

The odd thing is that the eye of the storm slipped gently over my land.  There was a lot of rain (the storm filled one of our water tanks that holds 40 gallons) and a few hours of wind, but for the most part I spent the day in a world so still that I could hear the chickens clucking down at the farm, a quarter of a mile away. 

I, Renee indeed!

And by the way, thanks go out to super coach Jill Koch for putting me back into my “I”

Space

Caring is beautiful. 

What more needs to be said about this particular aspect of loving another?

The joy of loving another is that one starts to care deeply about that being.  Caring inspires us to “do right by” them, to protect them, to guide them and to make everything good for them.  To receive this attention is wonderful.  You feel safe, as if you belong, and most of all you feel important.  There is something magical about being loved, and having your loved returned, that can make all of your cells tingle in the most life affirming way.   When we are loved, we feel like we can do anything.

And then suddenly, the honeymoon is over.

Well, if only it were suddenly.

We’ve all been there- the little things that let us know we are special, the small touches and quick but penetrating full eye contacts, that special tone of voice meant just for you- all of those symbols of caring disappear one by one.  If you are very unlucky, you start to see these special symbols of love being given to someone else.  This kills.  Okay, true confessions: this makes me want to take a knife and slice my arms and legs to ease the pain of it.  Or maybe bang my head against the wall until the pain outside overwhelms the hurt in my heart.  It hurts so badly that it can make you wonder if your heart will ever work again.

You are broken forever.  Or so you think…

But deep inside, beneath all that pain and even deeper than the love you felt for that special other person, there is a space.  It is dark as the original void from which the Universe was born.  It is as quiet and the moment between heartbeats and breathing. It is a space so strong and vibrant that nothing… NOTHING… can destroy it.

Eve Ensler in her brilliant lecture for TED.com (see attached) would call this place- the Girl Cell.  Others might call it The Source, God or Love itself.

I call it “Me”. 

What do you call it?

Love and Hate

What is the opposite of love?  Most would say “hate”, but I wonder if it isn’t “indifference”.  If someone hates you, at least you know that they are aware of and affected by your presence in their life.  You are not invisible or inconsequential.  In fact, hate is often caused by an absence of love which can lead a person to believe they don’t matter.  If you can’t get your partner to hug you, maybe you can be so irritating as to get them to hate you.  

How often have you tried this approach?  It certainly works well for kids, pets and horses.  They know that a slap is better than nothing at all.

But to be indifferent about another person means that you might just as well pass by a brick as take notice of another being in your space.  It is terrible to be on the other side of indifference no matter your species.

I have heard a lot of Buddhists and New Agers talk about striving to be “neutral”, “non-reactive” or “indifferent”.  They are “allowing” things to be what they are. This is a nicer place than negative reactivity but I wonder if this mindset could be also considered “numb” or “uncommitted”. 

Personally I think expressing one’s feelings or opinions is the greatest gift you can give another.  I sometimes wonder if having the guts to say “I love you” or on those awful occasions, “I hate you”,  is one of the bravest things a person can do. It means they care enough about themselves, and you, to bare their heart, soul and personality to consequences beyond their control:  your reaction.

Let me put it bluntly and to the point.  If you are making love to someone, what makes it fun?   How do you know when what you're doing is working? 

Emotion is energy in motion. 

Neutrality is nothing doing nothing about anything.

It is okay to emote.  It is the only way others can be aware of your presence and where you stand. 

Give it a try today- look for an opportunity to emote and to honor those who have the courage to stand fully in the face of their feelings and to share them with you.  Think about all the times you wished you had said something instead of standing quietly by, neutral and indifferent to your horse’s fear, your partner’s passion for you, or a stranger’s grief. 

If a smile can change the world… why do we hide our feelings from those we love and who love us?

Love is Love is Love

What is love? 

I’d say the only other question that leads to as much confusion, discussion and fights would be: What is Art?  Art is a matter of taste and most people would agree that art is in the eye of the maker or the beholder. But what about love? We toss the word around casually (I love that shirt!) while simultaneously saving it for the most important people in our lives (I love you).  We argue over whether a diamond ring means he loves her or whether talking late into the night means she loves him.  It is confusing for everyone and it is no wonder so many people misunderstand each other.  

Where would we be without the drama of love?

Love is a many splendored thing (thanks go to Han Suyin for inspiring the movie).

“How do you know you are loved?” can only be answered once you know what love is to you.

Just for fun I’ve listed all of the words I could find for the verb and noun “love” in Roget’s Super Thesaurus. My challenge to you is to play with these words.  Where is one more appropriate or apt than the other? What are the results of your word choices?

Become a connoisseur of “love”!

Love:  adore, be fond of, cherish, worship, hold dear, treasure, idolize, think the world of, like, be crazy about, long for, desire, passion for, crush upon, devoted, affectionate, esteem, befriend, close, intimate, regard highly, long for, rapture, enchanted, ardor, worship, respect, venerate, honor, deify, fervor, want, hunger, ache, lust, yearn, care for, fancy, admire, prize, foster, protect.