Ripleigh Go Bragh
Connemara stallion Ripleigh Go Bragh
Showing posts with label horses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label horses. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Doubting Tics
Doubt has a tendency to surprise us.
You could have had a great weekend with your partner and by Monday morning you think, "has he always taken up this much space in the bed?" or "why does she have to talk so damn much!" By the end of the day you wonder what the hell you are doing with them.
Perhaps you have just spent a great half hour snuggling and grooming your horse only to discover in your lesson that no matter what you do, the bugger just won't pick up the left lead. What was once a match made in heaven has become one of the most irritating aspects of your day. What happened?
Not a single thing.
In fact. there were little signals along the way letting you know that perfection was on its way out the door. It was there in the little niggling voice in the back of your mind or the slight irritation that made you clench your jaw. Maybe something they did that made you tuck your chin or furrow your eyebrows. Generally there is a feeling of hurt or anger followed by a tendency to think the other is being insensitive to you.
Before you know it, you are in a fight, depressed or feeling like nothing is ever going to go right again. . And without a doubt in your mind, you know that the jerk is a real asshole. Things feel out of control and you are going to do whatever it takes to get it back under YOUR control.
What would happen if you took notice of all those little physical clues that pull you out of your fantasies?
I find that I become more present when I pay attention to the clues that let me know I am in doubt. I find that I am in a position to choose or self-direct rather than react. And more importantly, I am more willing to reach an understanding with my partner because I see an "error" in the moment instead of a "fault" in the other.
It's like catching a dropped stitch. You can deal with it as you go along or end up with a crappy sweater.
The best way I can describe it is that something inside me is saying "Um. Wait a minute, that was funky. We had better stop and check it out."
Usually there is a boundary issue being crossed or an assumption has been made. Once I am clear on what is bothering me about the situation, I can immediately clear up the misunderstanding and ask for what I need in a non-emotional way. If I wait until I am pissed or hurt, I am sure to cause a ruckus and destroy trust.
How does your body let you know when something is "funky"?
What can you do differently in that moment to keep things great for both you and your partner/horse?
I am hoping you will find that you fight a lot less and that it is easier to get what you want out of life.
And as an added bonus you will suddenly be LISTENING with your whole being instead of just with your mind.
Stay tuned for more on "listening"...
You could have had a great weekend with your partner and by Monday morning you think, "has he always taken up this much space in the bed?" or "why does she have to talk so damn much!" By the end of the day you wonder what the hell you are doing with them.
Perhaps you have just spent a great half hour snuggling and grooming your horse only to discover in your lesson that no matter what you do, the bugger just won't pick up the left lead. What was once a match made in heaven has become one of the most irritating aspects of your day. What happened?
Not a single thing.
In fact. there were little signals along the way letting you know that perfection was on its way out the door. It was there in the little niggling voice in the back of your mind or the slight irritation that made you clench your jaw. Maybe something they did that made you tuck your chin or furrow your eyebrows. Generally there is a feeling of hurt or anger followed by a tendency to think the other is being insensitive to you.
Before you know it, you are in a fight, depressed or feeling like nothing is ever going to go right again. . And without a doubt in your mind, you know that the jerk is a real asshole. Things feel out of control and you are going to do whatever it takes to get it back under YOUR control.
What would happen if you took notice of all those little physical clues that pull you out of your fantasies?
I find that I become more present when I pay attention to the clues that let me know I am in doubt. I find that I am in a position to choose or self-direct rather than react. And more importantly, I am more willing to reach an understanding with my partner because I see an "error" in the moment instead of a "fault" in the other.
It's like catching a dropped stitch. You can deal with it as you go along or end up with a crappy sweater.
The best way I can describe it is that something inside me is saying "Um. Wait a minute, that was funky. We had better stop and check it out."
Usually there is a boundary issue being crossed or an assumption has been made. Once I am clear on what is bothering me about the situation, I can immediately clear up the misunderstanding and ask for what I need in a non-emotional way. If I wait until I am pissed or hurt, I am sure to cause a ruckus and destroy trust.
How does your body let you know when something is "funky"?
What can you do differently in that moment to keep things great for both you and your partner/horse?
I am hoping you will find that you fight a lot less and that it is easier to get what you want out of life.
And as an added bonus you will suddenly be LISTENING with your whole being instead of just with your mind.
Stay tuned for more on "listening"...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
First Love = The Rest of Your Life
Last month I asked "how do you know when you are loved?"
I thought I knew the answer to this question. But after six weeks of relationship struggles that threatened not only 15 years of partnership but also my capacity to farm my land and keep my horses, I discovered that I had no clue.
I only knew what I believed I needed to feel loved, cherished, desired, etc. When those symbols of being loved were absent, I felt unloved. But does a lack of specific contact, actions, words or gestures mean that I am not loved- or worse, that I am unlovable?
And yet, my partner feels she loves me even though I can feel and see evidence that her love for me is less or different from what I expect and demand from her in order to feel loved.
Do you remember your first love? What about the first book or movie that let you know that the feelings you were feeling about another was love? What else was going on in your life at that time?
I ask these questions because my first love didn't go so well. In fact, it went so badly that I seem to have committed myself to repeating it over and over in the twisted hope of getting it right. The interesting thing about the timing of my first love is that I had just discovered a passion for writing, riding and playing sports. Not only did I ride to a Grand Championship at a series of horse shows in Oregon and Washington, but I had the joy of reading Jane Austen for the first time. I was finally playing team sports (field hockey) and had had an amazing English teacher who encouraged my love for words. I was 15, I was in love and Jane Austen was showing me how to get "real love" instead of the inconstant and shady kind I was seeing in my peers and with my divorced parents.
I'll save you the angst and simply summarize: I went away to ride to glory on the circuit, wrote Austen-esque letters, and tasted the potential for a life worth living. When I came home, the girl was with someone else.
I have a theory that there are key moments in our young lives at which we make rules or decisions about which we arrange our lives.
For example, my 15 year old self (and what 15 year old doesn't know everything?) took this situation and came up with the following rule: I lost my first love because I went away and rode my horse and because my letters obviously didn't convey my feelings well enough. Therefore I must never leave my love's side, riding horses led to this pain, and I really have to work harder at communicating.
Thirty years later, I find myself obsessing over my relationship to the detriment of my riding and writing career. My life has been one long pursuit of studying human behavior, philosophy, spirituality, psychology, coaching, etc. because somewhere in all those fields I believed I would find the answer or a way to have done it differently. Never mind that what I really wanted to do was to be a wildlife biologist/C.S. Lewis-type writer. No, I had decided I was willing to do anything and give up everything so as to not feel that pain ever again. I was going to find, get and keep my soul mate forever- or die trying.
I actually believed that I lost the girl because I was doing what I loved. And worse, I believed that doing what I loved would always lead to disappointment and pain. Ever hear of self-fulfilling prophecies? If you haven't then you will find my picture next to the definition on Wikipedia.
I would like to rephrase my earlier question:
What do you expect being loved to feel and look like?
While you work on that, I am going to go out and do everything that I love. If I am lucky, and I think I will be, my true love will be there by my side while I do it... or shall I say, because I am doing what I love.
Jane Austen still got it right- it's the girl who stands by her heart's truth that gets the right one.
I thought I knew the answer to this question. But after six weeks of relationship struggles that threatened not only 15 years of partnership but also my capacity to farm my land and keep my horses, I discovered that I had no clue.
I only knew what I believed I needed to feel loved, cherished, desired, etc. When those symbols of being loved were absent, I felt unloved. But does a lack of specific contact, actions, words or gestures mean that I am not loved- or worse, that I am unlovable?
And yet, my partner feels she loves me even though I can feel and see evidence that her love for me is less or different from what I expect and demand from her in order to feel loved.
Do you remember your first love? What about the first book or movie that let you know that the feelings you were feeling about another was love? What else was going on in your life at that time?
I ask these questions because my first love didn't go so well. In fact, it went so badly that I seem to have committed myself to repeating it over and over in the twisted hope of getting it right. The interesting thing about the timing of my first love is that I had just discovered a passion for writing, riding and playing sports. Not only did I ride to a Grand Championship at a series of horse shows in Oregon and Washington, but I had the joy of reading Jane Austen for the first time. I was finally playing team sports (field hockey) and had had an amazing English teacher who encouraged my love for words. I was 15, I was in love and Jane Austen was showing me how to get "real love" instead of the inconstant and shady kind I was seeing in my peers and with my divorced parents.
I'll save you the angst and simply summarize: I went away to ride to glory on the circuit, wrote Austen-esque letters, and tasted the potential for a life worth living. When I came home, the girl was with someone else.
I have a theory that there are key moments in our young lives at which we make rules or decisions about which we arrange our lives.
For example, my 15 year old self (and what 15 year old doesn't know everything?) took this situation and came up with the following rule: I lost my first love because I went away and rode my horse and because my letters obviously didn't convey my feelings well enough. Therefore I must never leave my love's side, riding horses led to this pain, and I really have to work harder at communicating.
Thirty years later, I find myself obsessing over my relationship to the detriment of my riding and writing career. My life has been one long pursuit of studying human behavior, philosophy, spirituality, psychology, coaching, etc. because somewhere in all those fields I believed I would find the answer or a way to have done it differently. Never mind that what I really wanted to do was to be a wildlife biologist/C.S. Lewis-type writer. No, I had decided I was willing to do anything and give up everything so as to not feel that pain ever again. I was going to find, get and keep my soul mate forever- or die trying.
I actually believed that I lost the girl because I was doing what I loved. And worse, I believed that doing what I loved would always lead to disappointment and pain. Ever hear of self-fulfilling prophecies? If you haven't then you will find my picture next to the definition on Wikipedia.
I would like to rephrase my earlier question:
What do you expect being loved to feel and look like?
While you work on that, I am going to go out and do everything that I love. If I am lucky, and I think I will be, my true love will be there by my side while I do it... or shall I say, because I am doing what I love.
Jane Austen still got it right- it's the girl who stands by her heart's truth that gets the right one.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Me and You
Me + You = Us
So simple and elegant an equation as this ought to make everything in relationships as equally elegant and simple. But nope, what usually happens is something more like this:
F(us) = Me > < You
As in, Us is a function of more me and less you, or vice versa.
These equations work for all species interactions as well as with our own psychologies (as in all those voices in your head that say "you should ..." or "I am..." You know- the ones you argue with while driving or eating that cookie instead of working out?)
My life has been largely focused on the Us and the You in my relationships. I've just assumed that the Me in the equation was a constant given. There are people who focus on the Me and assume that this means Us because the You is not their concern. This has caused a lot of problems because really the quality of Us will always be affected by the amount of Me and of You in the relationship.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect relationship would be something like this:
50Me + 50You = 100Us
Naturally this is not possible at all times, but I figure that this is a reasonable goal.
What would you get if you were take these equations and apply them to whatever is important in your life?
For example, when you ride your horse- do you want it to be 1%Horse + 99%You = 100%Us? This would make for a horse that fits you perfectly but leaves little room for the horse to express itself. A good robot ride that is mostly dependent upon you. Do you want that kind of responsibility (aka control)? Can you be that on and perfect all of the time?
Reverse the equation and you have a runaway horse with an out of control passenger.
I prefer to have a horse that is capable of thinking about itself and me at the same time. I want to work with one that makes decisions that benefit us both and one which trusts me to take it into consideration as often as possible.
This means that I have to allow my horse to be an independent being with whom I work in equal partnership that works for both our benefits.
Sometimes the equation will skew in favor of one or the other.
For example, when it comes to galloping across country- I expect my horse to carry the bulk of the burden because it is his feet that are on the ground, but at the same time it is my brain that is doing the directing: 75Horse + 25Me = 100 US
But in a parking lot full of other horses and cars, I would want my horse to be mostly about me while at the same time I expect it to keep an eye on the environment (after all they have better hearing, eye sight, intuition etc.): 75Me + 25Horse = 100Us.
The important thing about thinking this way is that it reminds one to think about oneself AND the other person. It is a great way to check in with oneself to see what needs to change or stay the same in order to get to where you want to go.
The catch is though- that until all parties in the equation are in agreement as to what constitutes 100Us, it will always end up in a squabble of F(us) = Me > < You.
Where are you in your life today?
So simple and elegant an equation as this ought to make everything in relationships as equally elegant and simple. But nope, what usually happens is something more like this:
F(us) = Me > < You
As in, Us is a function of more me and less you, or vice versa.
These equations work for all species interactions as well as with our own psychologies (as in all those voices in your head that say "you should ..." or "I am..." You know- the ones you argue with while driving or eating that cookie instead of working out?)
My life has been largely focused on the Us and the You in my relationships. I've just assumed that the Me in the equation was a constant given. There are people who focus on the Me and assume that this means Us because the You is not their concern. This has caused a lot of problems because really the quality of Us will always be affected by the amount of Me and of You in the relationship.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect relationship would be something like this:
50Me + 50You = 100Us
Naturally this is not possible at all times, but I figure that this is a reasonable goal.
What would you get if you were take these equations and apply them to whatever is important in your life?
For example, when you ride your horse- do you want it to be 1%Horse + 99%You = 100%Us? This would make for a horse that fits you perfectly but leaves little room for the horse to express itself. A good robot ride that is mostly dependent upon you. Do you want that kind of responsibility (aka control)? Can you be that on and perfect all of the time?
Reverse the equation and you have a runaway horse with an out of control passenger.
I prefer to have a horse that is capable of thinking about itself and me at the same time. I want to work with one that makes decisions that benefit us both and one which trusts me to take it into consideration as often as possible.
This means that I have to allow my horse to be an independent being with whom I work in equal partnership that works for both our benefits.
Sometimes the equation will skew in favor of one or the other.
For example, when it comes to galloping across country- I expect my horse to carry the bulk of the burden because it is his feet that are on the ground, but at the same time it is my brain that is doing the directing: 75Horse + 25Me = 100 US
But in a parking lot full of other horses and cars, I would want my horse to be mostly about me while at the same time I expect it to keep an eye on the environment (after all they have better hearing, eye sight, intuition etc.): 75Me + 25Horse = 100Us.
The important thing about thinking this way is that it reminds one to think about oneself AND the other person. It is a great way to check in with oneself to see what needs to change or stay the same in order to get to where you want to go.
The catch is though- that until all parties in the equation are in agreement as to what constitutes 100Us, it will always end up in a squabble of F(us) = Me > < You.
Where are you in your life today?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Love and Hate
What is the opposite of love? Most would say “hate”, but I wonder if it isn’t “indifference”. If someone hates you, at least you know that they are aware of and affected by your presence in their life. You are not invisible or inconsequential. In fact, hate is often caused by an absence of love which can lead a person to believe they don’t matter. If you can’t get your partner to hug you, maybe you can be so irritating as to get them to hate you.
How often have you tried this approach? It certainly works well for kids, pets and horses. They know that a slap is better than nothing at all.
But to be indifferent about another person means that you might just as well pass by a brick as take notice of another being in your space. It is terrible to be on the other side of indifference no matter your species.
I have heard a lot of Buddhists and New Agers talk about striving to be “neutral”, “non-reactive” or “indifferent”. They are “allowing” things to be what they are. This is a nicer place than negative reactivity but I wonder if this mindset could be also considered “numb” or “uncommitted”.
Personally I think expressing one’s feelings or opinions is the greatest gift you can give another. I sometimes wonder if having the guts to say “I love you” or on those awful occasions, “I hate you”, is one of the bravest things a person can do. It means they care enough about themselves, and you, to bare their heart, soul and personality to consequences beyond their control: your reaction.
Let me put it bluntly and to the point. If you are making love to someone, what makes it fun? How do you know when what you're doing is working?
Emotion is energy in motion.
Emotion is energy in motion.
Neutrality is nothing doing nothing about anything.
It is okay to emote. It is the only way others can be aware of your presence and where you stand.
Give it a try today- look for an opportunity to emote and to honor those who have the courage to stand fully in the face of their feelings and to share them with you. Think about all the times you wished you had said something instead of standing quietly by, neutral and indifferent to your horse’s fear, your partner’s passion for you, or a stranger’s grief.
If a smile can change the world… why do we hide our feelings from those we love and who love us?
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Love and Your Horse
Do you absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that your horse loves you?
I don’t mean loves you for feeding it or even loves you because you love it. I mean is your horse head over heels, goofy crazy, and joyously in love with you?
Wouldn’t that be nice?
It is in fact really nice. My horses melt when I touch them. They lean into me and suck in my energy in like dry soil drinks up a long overdue rain. And I feel exactly the same way about them. Not only that, but most of the horses I work with seem to do the same thing when they see me- even after weeks away from them.
How many of you have been told that being very affectionate and ‘touchy feely’ in that feminine way will ruin your horse?
How many of you have heard that a horse feels more secure when it knows its place and that its place is beneath and a few feet away from you?
Let me put it another way (this might ring a bell for some of the older crowd):
Is a woman truly much happier when she knows her place?
I’d love to get a vote on how many horse women (or men) would agree to this last statement!
Before I go much further I want you to ask yourself a very important question:
“How do I know that I am loved?”
Please share your answers here on the blog or on my Face Book page because I think it is really important that women start talking about how they give and receive love. Men need to start talking about how they give and receive love.
Because folks, I don’t care what species we are talking about- love rules the herd, pack, relationship, world.
GO GIVE LOVE!
Tomorrow I will start you on the journey to receiving the love you deserve…
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Not just for horse people
Horse people are great people, but they aren't the only ones I coach. I also work with artists, jocks, farmers, business folks, unemployed, old, young, dogs, cats, cows etc. About the only thing I won't come near is onions. I really don't like onions. Or peppers. Okay, and dead fish. I like living fish of all sorts but I won't eat them whether they are alive or dead.
If you have a life and want to talk about it or want some support in making it better- give me a buzz and let's play!
If you have a life and want to talk about it or want some support in making it better- give me a buzz and let's play!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Founding Mothers
CORE Equestrian and Life Coaching developed out of my belief that the horse industry needs to return to a more feminine perspective. I was at an Equine Affair when one of the experts there actually said "women weren't raised the same way as men and so they need to learn to act like men in order to be good horsemen". It was said by woman. I was horrified! I can't imagine anything more damaging to hear than the claim that the way women live, love and relate made them inferior in any way. I decided then and there to work at healing the girl in all of us. Love is egalitarian and irresistible not hierarchical and separating. I hope to help horsewomen and horsemen realize that partnership means working together, listening to each other and giving all beings the right to be the way they are.
Welcome to CORE
Welcome to my blog!
Have you ever wondered if your love for horses (or art, or fast cars, or tulips) was just an expensive hobby or a reason to live?
Have you struggled with the strain your passion takes on your time, money, energy and it's effects on your family?
Are you feeling fear, anxiety, guilt, doubt or like maybe you are a little crazy for thinking your horse might actually be talking to you?
Do you believe that your horse doesn't really love you and that you need to be an alpha in order to get its respect?
Have you ever wanted your horse to love you more than anyone else in its life?
CORE Equestrian and Life Coaching can help you with these issues so that you can feel freer, enjoy your passions more and really connect with that 1000 pound animal that takes such good care of you.
I will help you learn to listen to your horse instead of whispering to it. Because to a horse, whispering is still talking and as long as you are talking- you aren't listening!
Nobody knows your horse better than you- except your horse.
Let me help you feel how much your horse loves you and wants to perform for you. Come learn how to work through love and equality, because love is irresistible and you don't need to act like a man to be a good horseperson.
Please email me for a free trial session and let's get to living your dream!
Have you ever wondered if your love for horses (or art, or fast cars, or tulips) was just an expensive hobby or a reason to live?
Have you struggled with the strain your passion takes on your time, money, energy and it's effects on your family?
Are you feeling fear, anxiety, guilt, doubt or like maybe you are a little crazy for thinking your horse might actually be talking to you?
Do you believe that your horse doesn't really love you and that you need to be an alpha in order to get its respect?
Have you ever wanted your horse to love you more than anyone else in its life?
CORE Equestrian and Life Coaching can help you with these issues so that you can feel freer, enjoy your passions more and really connect with that 1000 pound animal that takes such good care of you.
I will help you learn to listen to your horse instead of whispering to it. Because to a horse, whispering is still talking and as long as you are talking- you aren't listening!
Nobody knows your horse better than you- except your horse.
Let me help you feel how much your horse loves you and wants to perform for you. Come learn how to work through love and equality, because love is irresistible and you don't need to act like a man to be a good horseperson.
Please email me for a free trial session and let's get to living your dream!
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